Let’s Talk About Sex

“Four years ago, I found myself standing in front of my husband thinking; I’m so in love with you,
I’m really attracted to you, but nothing is going on downstairs. Fifteen years together, three kids
under six, and a writing agency and landscaping business to run, sex felt like a ‘to do’ rather
than a ‘hell yeah’.

My husband Lane and I always had a really amazing sex life but the sleepless nights, breastfeeding, and well, adulting, took its toll on my desire to get between the sheets. While we were still intimate,
I never thought about sex, initiated it, or made it a priority.

Then one day, I asked myself: is this how I want it to be from now on? And when the answer
was no, I started doing the work. Within a year, I went from zero spontaneous desire to feeling
turned on watching Lane mow the lawns with his shirt off.

From mother to lover

First things first, we set an intention to move towards having a more passionate, more connected
sex life. The biggest challenge? Moving from mother to lover mode. Because, let’s be honest,
when you’ve had kids clinging off you all day and you’re covered in god-knows-what, it’s a far
cry from feeling like a sensual goddess.

Yoga, meditation, massage, light touch, a 10-minute share of the day’s events, a bath, spa or walk
on the grass — these are all techniques we use to transition from our busy day (and distracted minds) to a place where we’re relaxed, present, and can welcome connection and pleasure. Find your mother-to-lover method and you’ll be amazed how quickly you can move from ‘I’m too tired’ to
‘Yes, please!’.‍

Opening up

When you decide to make your sex life a priority, there’s one thing you just can’t avoid — honest conversations. While Lane and I have always been good communicators, we’ve seen how stories
we carry about sex and pleasure can manifest as triggers or negative self-talk, which dwindles
desire. That’s why it’s so important to allow your partner the freedom to express their feelings
without judgement — in and out of the bedroom. Communicating your needs and wants is key
to giving and receiving pleasure. And, keep it light — sex can be fun! Change takes time, patience and practise. And practise may as well be enjoyable, right?

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Random acts of hotness

By opening up the conversation about sex and shedding old stories, more cheeky moments of connection emerged (think random kitchen snogs and saucy texts). When you can do little things
to show your partner you love and desire them, without any expectation of sex, it puts a spring in
your step, generates more desire and can be the foreplay needed to wake up your post-kids libido. Having the freedom to instigate ‘random acts of hotness’, knowing it didn’t need to go any further, has been incredibly liberating for both of us.

Sex in surround sound

Slowly, I noticed shifts in my libido. The changes inspired me to learn more about desire, relationships, pleasure and sex. I immersed myself in podcasts and books (spiritual and practical), which led to eye-opening conversations with Lane and close friends. Lane went on his own learning journey, discovering the benefits of breathwork, energy circulation and visualisation. The more we learned, the more we shared and the better, more connected sex we had.

Naked Night

Reawakening your libido isn’t a quick fix nor does it need to be overwhelming — but it does require committing to regular connection and pleasure. So, Thursdays are Naked Night (my parents will never turn up unannounced again!) and the rules are: be naked, stay curious, go slow, explore each other’s bodies and see what happens. Oh, and no phones in the room, a lock on the door and no expectations or end goal.

Sex isn’t a given on Naked Night; if you’re cranky after a long day, you can always just lie down
with your hearts together and breathe. And then when you do have energy, well, the world’s your oyster! Naked Night has been a game-changer for us when it comes to maintaining desire and pleasure in our marriage. ‍

Let’s liberate‍

After discovering how common low libido is for women in long-term relationships, I felt compelled
to share our discoveries. Knowing I’m helping to get women excited about their sex lives again
with Libido Liberation (Instagram, an e-newsletter and events to come!) has been incredibly exciting, rewarding and fun. While there’s a lot you can do at home to improve your sex life, couples facing significant conflict, trauma, physical pain, or a problem they just can’t seem to move past, should
see a therapist. There is always something to gain from expert help.

Liberating your libido is a journey well worth embarking on. It’s not about fixing something that
is broken, it’s about asking: how can this be more beautiful, more passionate?

Our journey has been transformative, with an undeniable ripple effect. While we’re still juggling
three kids, 2.5 businesses and some sleepless nights, improving our sexual wellbeing has infused
our life with more vitality, energy and excitement. And we couldn’t be happier.”‍

For more of Sarah’s ideas and advice, follow @libidoliberation